United, We Fly!

I don’t know about you – but I’m looking forward to flying United Airlines again. I mean, think about how United has changed its ways for the better – in the aftermath of that horrible incident where authorities dragged a doctor off a plane earlier this month.

The airline has now reached a settlement with the doctor – giving him enough money to keep him from filing a lawsuit against United that undoubtedly would have cost the airline many millions of dollars and untold negative publicity – even more bad press than the airline has already received.

But just before reaching that settlement – United helpfully released the results of its in-depth look at what went wrong that day the doctor was dragged off.

The airline says it let internal policies distract from the need to treat passengers with dignity and with respect.

United said its customers should be at the center of everything the airline does – and it will make changes to earn back the trust of its passengers.

For starters, travelers on United who voluntarily give up their seats will be eligible to receive up to $10,000 in travel certificates.

And United employees will be given new authority to find “creative solutions” to get bumped passengers to their final destinations.

Well, that last part is all well and good – I’m always in favor of “creative solutions,” and I truly appreciate it when an airline gets me to my final destination.

But what I’m really interested in is that $10,000 in travel certificates.

I’d be more than willing to get bumped for $10,000 in future travel. In fact, I’d like to get bumped starting tomorrow.

So right after I’m done writing this, I’m going to rush to book a United flight — any United flight — out of Fresno-Yosemite International Airport. It doesn’t matter where it’s going.

And I truly hope you go and book that same flight so that it gets overbooked and I get to volunteer to receive the $10-G reward. Heck – that’s even better than playing the lottery.

Thanks, United — for being so incredibly stupid that day the doctor was forcibly removed from your plane — for being so incredibly dumb in your response to the incident — and now for being so frightened of passenger-blowback — that you are offering so much money for the privilege of getting people off your planes.

Please — ask me to get off first.