The Problem With “No Problem”

In the world of peeves there are major ones and minor ones. This is a minor one. How come we don’t say “you’re welcome” any more? For instance: You have just bought a $1,630.00 mattress. The salesman processes your credit card, hands you the thing to sign, then gives you a receipt for the purchase with a promise that a couple of fellas will deliver your new mattress today. Or, maybe tomorrow. The polite social contract used to conclude such a transaction something like this:

You -“Thank you very much,”

The salesman – “You’re welcome.”

Remember? Well, for some reason all that has changed. Now the polite parting exchange is this:

You – “Thank you very much,”

The salesman – “No problem.”

Well, I guess it’s good to know that there is no problem. But mentioning “no problem” faintly suggests that there could have been a problem; a problem that was miraculously avoided this time. But again, what problem? Is it me? Am I the problem? Wait a second, all I did was pay too much for a second rate mattress. Shouldn’t the salesman be delighted and scream at the top of his lungs, “You are welcome! (you fool. Come back very soon to spend some more money).”

Take lunch. The over-worked waitress spends a moment to draw a smiley face on the bill. I give her a $20. She gives me $5 in change (five one dollar bills). I leave a $4.00 tip. Pretty generous. I say, “thanks.” She says, “No problem.”

What this little transaction illustrates is the fact that nobody is really listening to anybody else these days. If they were, they wouldn’t reply to a statement of polite gratitude by basically changing the subject and mumbling something about a “problem.” Even though they might be properly chirpy and cheery, with that “no problem,” you begin to worry that there really is some sort of, well, trouble.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. Gosh, all I did was thank the doctor for over charging me for that brain scan, “Thanks, see you next time, doc.” “No problem,” comes the reply.

I don’t think it’s gonna change. So, from now on, to bring the logic full circle while still saying something upbeat to conclude my business with waiters and waitresses, store clerks, police officers, and anybody else who needs and deserves a solid “Thank you.” I’m gonna give ’em one of these with a smile: “You got a problem?” When they reply, “no problem,” I’ll know all is right with the world.